Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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