the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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