Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
