I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
