I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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