I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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