his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
