my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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