He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
