He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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