Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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