this beer tastes like vomit already
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize