like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
