There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
