If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
