Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
