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Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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