I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
