I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
