So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize