we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I still have a little drunk in my system
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
