I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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