Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
