happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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