Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

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(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

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(571): View more from Virginia

I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.

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(440): View more from Ohio

That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"

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(713): View more from Texas

Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.

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