so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
