I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
