Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
