yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
