one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
send nudes
from the living room?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
