My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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