When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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