Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
