so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
