im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
