toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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