I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
