I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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