Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
