Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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