meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
