I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
