There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
