This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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