Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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