dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
