"it" just moved
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize