So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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