I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
