I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
