My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
