Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
