I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
