we have pet lesbian snakes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
