i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
