gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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