no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
