Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
