I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Randomize
