Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
