Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
