At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
soo... how was my night?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
