Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
