I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
FUCK WHALES
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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